Dating failures, relationship learnings

If your reason for dating is to get something you don't have you are missing the growth possible. If your reason for dating is learn from a relationship about who you are you will maximize the growth. If your reason for hsving a friend is to avoid being alone you are missing the growth. If your reason for having a friend is to learn about yourself you will grow. It seems many people think relationahips are not about learning. People do not seem to look at relationships as places to learn. But if you look at every experience as an opportunity to learn, no experience is a failure. Learning is often relegated to certain places and times. Taking on the role of teaching can be limiting your ability to learn. Teachers that are learning (being students themselves) make the best teachers. Why is approaching everything as an opportunity to learn a maximal way to live? Because instead of experiencing failures we experience learning. The feeling of failure is disempowering. The feeling of learning is empowering.

Beauty, emotions, spiritual growth

It has come to my attention that some women equate emotional arousal with romantic arousal. It is stated this way, unless a man evokes an emotional response in her, he will not be seen as a potential romantic character in her world. In fact, as often repeated phrase for leaving a man is that there was no longer any emotional connection. So it seems clearly important to women. This seems as shallow as men who say unless she evokes an sexual arousal in him through beauty, she will not be seen as a sexual partner. Men are reported to leave their partners for younger versions due to the issues of visual beauty. Time and time again online dating profiles mention the desire for "chemistry."

Women want men to look beyond their beauty. And that's a good message. Some women, quite possibly many women, desire an internal emotional reaction to their man. And that unless they have it they feel there is something missing sand justifies leaving the relationship. I have a question on both sides. Is a man's insistence on beauty for attraction representative of an an internal spiritual lack? Is the woman's insistence on emotional impact for attraction equally representative of an internal spiritual lack? Can these voids be filled from with in? Is there a step in our spiritual growth (both men and women) when we no longer require nor see these as the main (or first) determinants of attraction?

I know from personal experience I am not interested in sustaining a romantic partnership without also having a good friendship. It is so important to me, that I do not cold date women. I want to know if I like then first before I ask then out. But I am still at a point where I only want to make friends with someone I have some level of attraction to. I do not really care if we ever become romantic partners or not. But to some degree attraction is running my world. This attraction can be beauty but it can also be energy, kindness, intelligence, ability to engage in deep conversations. All of these have served at attractors to want to be make and be friends with a lady.

Conscious Relationships

Dear Conscious women,

The nurturing problem

If you want true partnership this maybe hard for you to hear.  There are not many men who are open to self improvement.  And your desire to help them change is not being met with with an internal desire to match you vision for them. 

These strong nurturing feeling you have to heal others is not to be suppressed and are to be used.  BUT special care must be taken when using then with men.  Men are not women.  I will not tell you how to approach women.

Thinking you can nag men into behaving, improving, wanting what you want for them,.... does not work.  Men have an internal point of reference for their actions.  Yes, that's why, many times if you can only get him to think it is his idea he will do it. Still that is manipulation and he will eventually see through that and resent you for it.  

Consider that by not letting him find his own way you are stealing his chances to grow-up, to evolve, to change, to learn on his own.  By not letting him do his learning he will never become the man you are looking for.  A partnership.  Lasting change must come from with in.  Change imposed from the outside, in any form, loses the power of being source from the inside.  Sure you can invoke change by imposing external circumstances but when you remove them and their is no guarantee they will continue unless they have been matched with changes internally.  I'm talking about conviction.  If a man has internal conviction he will act in alignment with that conviction.

How does one get a man to change?  How can you get a man to want to change?  You don't.  Well if you believe in free will as your highest principle then

The Shadow Work Problem

There us this thing called shadow work.  It consists of becoming aware and healing your not so pleasant part of you.  If you want to be met equally, if you want partnership, doing your healing is critical.  Focus on spirituality and loving positive thoughts is fine.  Yet it is only one part of spirituality.  Progress requires finding the darker, the imperfections, the traumas, the energy blockages and healing them.

You can only build a building so high by focusing on adding to the top floors and reaching the sky when there are foundation cracks.

Restricting a man's freedom to get your security.

Not asking for consent or permission before changing

Trying to improve men.

Thinking your wild women energy does not need to be balanced or contained.

Not healing your own self before trying to heal others.

Believing you know what is best for another person.

Internal? External?

 When you focus on external results as happiness.  Result govern your happiness.

 When you focus on internal growth results as happiness.  Every experience becomes a seed for growth.

Friend online dating worthless

I had this friend who was giving online dating a try.  I thought the practice of meeting new men would help her learn more discernment when evaluating men.  Several years later (3-5) she mentioned the only good thing that came out of it was her friendship with me.  Yeah we met through online dating but never dated.  In text and emails we discussed what we both wanted and I admitted due to my stroke I could not offer her the financial support she looking for.

My experience was different.  Every time I texted, or other engaged with a potential date I observed myself and my OWN reactions.  By doing this I saw what needed to be improved in myself and set about doing so.  Every time I went on an actual date or first time meeting my mental thinking was recorded observed and log for a lessons learned type of post dissection.  Even better was my behavior.  When I felt I feel short of my own expectations,  I sought to see how I might use that as practice to improve the next time.

For me, online dating not measured by results as much as that which was learned that made me ready for real all of life.  And importantly making me ready for when I might run into that special someone I could make a life with.

Thus my time was never wasted.  I was often disappointed that I was not found ready for partnership.  But I never quit seeking self improvement through the practice of all relationships.   

You see I was not apply this rigorous self analysis to dating but to all relationships and interactions.  In no time I amassed quite list of things I needed to practice the next time I left the house.  By practicing something every time I went out.  Soon I had a base of more mature self confident ways of showing up in life.

I was focused on the internal and found lots of things I could improve. She was focused on the external results and missed all the opportunities to grow.  So yes, by her standards, online dating was a waste of time.  By my standards, online dating was a rich pool of free learning.

The merging of both.  Neither should reign supreme over the other.

Why? 

Because result do count.  Results are a type of feedback.  But one has to be careful about letting results determine your course of action and mental attitude.  If you let results make you quit you loose.  Internal lessons learned focus can also be a trap of this never ending pool of looking for perfection or improvements.  Knowing when to stop and try again later is important.  Knowing when to surrender and accept this is not going to change right now is a huge part of maturity.

Finding a balance between these 2 is, I think, the goal of my experiences.  Finding when one serves the moment the best.  Knowing what needs serving is a complex life skill.  Too complex for this blog.

 

Healing, yourself first as proxy for healing the world

 Healing your self first seems selfish, maybe even egotistical.

But it is a spiritual principle of the highest nature from some of the highest dimensions.

Gandi summed it up nicely as:....,  BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Now in more detail here's an on ground look.

When you see or feel a non-loving emotion from interactions with the world.  This is an alert for healing attention on it and yourself.  An alarm clock of sorts.

How to heal is a different set of posts.

Once healed in you that healing is accessible by others who are working to raise/grow their own consciousness.  It is not automatically used or available to everyone for there is free will.  They have to seek and accept.  By healing yourself you make the energy of that healing more present in the consciousness of your world.  Every person that heals that same non-loving emotion creates greater energy for other to access it.  It is made more widely available.  More accessible.

Thus by serving yourself you are serving others.  So it is not a service to self act.  It is not if negative polarity if your intent is to better your world.   However if you intent is to horde all healings and the results of them for just you and to garner power over others then you are on the negative path.

If you then help others heal the same the ripples go even further.

The evolved female

Some think they want to be wined and dined 

Some think they want to be a princess

Some think they want chemistry, excitement, even drama.

None of these are evolved women.

None these are what you want if you are an evolved man.

The evolve female is ok with the direct approach,  but you better be ok with a direct answer.

She is able to see positive aspects to all people and events.

She seeks personal growth not growth of things.

She seeks balance not polarity.

Most women that give you advice on what women want have not done the work to know what they want.

The evolved female no longer wants what her younger self wanted.

Balances responsibility with spontaneity

If she has not broken out of her past programming she is likely not evolved.

The evolve female decides what is healthy for her and does the best to keep it.

It all boils down to this....

All the dating gurus and advice that promises control, power over others, or ways you can manipulate your way into the opposite sexes life is worthless if you are following the way of the positive polarity of serving others.   However, if you are into self serving and increasing your negative polarity then these methods are for you.

Wanting control is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Manipulation is clear self serving and for those who have little to no confidence in their own worth.

Power same as control.......is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Those who want an great match for them are ok with rejection because they know it brings them one step closer to their goal.  Each one that does not work out is recognition of what does not work.

Be careful of those selling techniques.  There are many promises the prey on your temporal desires.

When your goal is to grow rather than get something.  Then every experience becomes opportunity to learn about your self.

If the dating gurus are talking about possession or being possessed this is the path of the negative polarity (service to self).  The opposite path is the one of guaranteeing free will.

surrender

There is a hidden arch of spiritual learning that has been consistent in my life.

The learning of surrender.
co-learning of valuing being a well as doing

My childhood was blessed with an extremely smart and controlling father. (At least 4 college degrees and enough academic credits for 4 more,... combined with growing up during the depression)  I'm not complaining but explaining how there was no choice for me as a child but to surrender to the brilliance of my father.  He was right.  Following him lead to good outcomes for the family.

My elder brothers did not surrender and it led to great disharmony.  Something I was unwilling to do. I valued peace and harmony more than doing it my way.  My brothers did not.

While I learned to surrender in the work place to authority.  When ever I could I still did it my way.

Where I failed the most, was in my own relationships.  I had not learned to compromise, say it was good enough or promote win win situations.

It took my stroke, to teach me greater surrender.  This deeper learning of surrender did finally translate into my relationships.  Learning when to surrender versus when to do it my way. Im not saying i was perfect and have mastered it.  But I was so much greatly improved it sometimes seemed so.

Strong Women Make the sME MISTAKES AS STRONG MEN

There is nothing wrong with being a strong women but it can have some consequences in your relationships.

Not making room for another in your life.

Sometime literally, like encouraging your man to throw out/get rid of his stuff because it does not match your sense of beauty.  This is a failure to accept the other person as they are.  This can translate I'm reject some of your stuff thus I'm rejecting part of you.  Men to this to, not appreciating her stuff because it is not functional? efficient? in some way not measuring up to his standards.

Wanting it to be all your way.

A variation of the first. Compromise, good enough, and win win are all examples of different ways to accomplish togetherness without driving the other away.

Micro managing rather micro goal setting.

Telling the other exactly this happens because it is way easier to tell someone to do it like you do it than to figure out what are the absolutely essential goals versus merely important goals.

Choosing Work over partner too many times.

If you are regularly choosing work over your partner then you are communicating what is most important to you.  Sure work makes life go around because of the money and thus security it provides.  And you have to work.  But if you keep making that choice over and over it cam undermine the connection between you.

These are the same mistakes strong men make.