Internal? External?

 When you focus on external results as happiness.  Result govern your happiness.

 When you focus on internal growth results as happiness.  Every experience becomes a seed for growth.

Friend online dating worthless

I had this friend who was giving online dating a try.  I thought the practice of meeting new men would help her learn more discernment when evaluating men.  Several years later (3-5) she mentioned the only good thing that came out of it was her friendship with me.  Yeah we met through online dating but never dated.  In text and emails we discussed what we both wanted and I admitted due to my stroke I could not offer her the financial support she looking for.

My experience was different.  Every time I texted, or other engaged with a potential date I observed myself and my OWN reactions.  By doing this I saw what needed to be improved in myself and set about doing so.  Every time I went on an actual date or first time meeting my mental thinking was recorded observed and log for a lessons learned type of post dissection.  Even better was my behavior.  When I felt I feel short of my own expectations,  I sought to see how I might use that as practice to improve the next time.

For me, online dating not measured by results as much as that which was learned that made me ready for real all of life.  And importantly making me ready for when I might run into that special someone I could make a life with.

Thus my time was never wasted.  I was often disappointed that I was not found ready for partnership.  But I never quit seeking self improvement through the practice of all relationships.   

You see I was not apply this rigorous self analysis to dating but to all relationships and interactions.  In no time I amassed quite list of things I needed to practice the next time I left the house.  By practicing something every time I went out.  Soon I had a base of more mature self confident ways of showing up in life.

I was focused on the internal and found lots of things I could improve. She was focused on the external results and missed all the opportunities to grow.  So yes, by her standards, online dating was a waste of time.  By my standards, online dating was a rich pool of free learning.

The merging of both.  Neither should reign supreme over the other.

Why? 

Because result do count.  Results are a type of feedback.  But one has to be careful about letting results determine your course of action and mental attitude.  If you let results make you quit you loose.  Internal lessons learned focus can also be a trap of this never ending pool of looking for perfection or improvements.  Knowing when to stop and try again later is important.  Knowing when to surrender and accept this is not going to change right now is a huge part of maturity.

Finding a balance between these 2 is, I think, the goal of my experiences.  Finding when one serves the moment the best.  Knowing what needs serving is a complex life skill.  Too complex for this blog.