Healing, yourself first as proxy for healing the world

 Healing your self first seems selfish, maybe even egotistical.

But it is a spiritual principle of the highest nature from some of the highest dimensions.

Gandi summed it up nicely as:....,  BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Now in more detail here's an on ground look.

When you see or feel a non-loving emotion from interactions with the world.  This is an alert for healing attention on it and yourself.  An alarm clock of sorts.

How to heal is a different set of posts.

Once healed in you that healing is accessible by others who are working to raise/grow their own consciousness.  It is not automatically used or available to everyone for there is free will.  They have to seek and accept.  By healing yourself you make the energy of that healing more present in the consciousness of your world.  Every person that heals that same non-loving emotion creates greater energy for other to access it.  It is made more widely available.  More accessible.

Thus by serving yourself you are serving others.  So it is not a service to self act.  It is not if negative polarity if your intent is to better your world.   However if you intent is to horde all healings and the results of them for just you and to garner power over others then you are on the negative path.

If you then help others heal the same the ripples go even further.

The evolved female

Some think they want to be wined and dined 

Some think they want to be a princess

Some think they want chemistry, excitement, even drama.

None of these are evolved women.

None these are what you want if you are an evolved man.

The evolve female is ok with the direct approach,  but you better be ok with a direct answer.

She is able to see positive aspects to all people and events.

She seeks personal growth not growth of things.

She seeks balance not polarity.

Most women that give you advice on what women want have not done the work to know what they want.

The evolved female no longer wants what her younger self wanted.

Balances responsibility with spontaneity

If she has not broken out of her past programming she is likely not evolved.

The evolve female decides what is healthy for her and does the best to keep it.

It all boils down to this....

All the dating gurus and advice that promises control, power over others, or ways you can manipulate your way into the opposite sexes life is worthless if you are following the way of the positive polarity of serving others.   However, if you are into self serving and increasing your negative polarity then these methods are for you.

Wanting control is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Manipulation is clear self serving and for those who have little to no confidence in their own worth.

Power same as control.......is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Those who want an great match for them are ok with rejection because they know it brings them one step closer to their goal.  Each one that does not work out is recognition of what does not work.

Be careful of those selling techniques.  There are many promises the prey on your temporal desires.

When your goal is to grow rather than get something.  Then every experience becomes opportunity to learn about your self.

If the dating gurus are talking about possession or being possessed this is the path of the negative polarity (service to self).  The opposite path is the one of guaranteeing free will.

surrender

There is a hidden arch of spiritual learning that has been consistent in my life.

The learning of surrender.
co-learning of valuing being a well as doing

My childhood was blessed with an extremely smart and controlling father. (At least 4 college degrees and enough academic credits for 4 more,... combined with growing up during the depression)  I'm not complaining but explaining how there was no choice for me as a child but to surrender to the brilliance of my father.  He was right.  Following him lead to good outcomes for the family.

My elder brothers did not surrender and it led to great disharmony.  Something I was unwilling to do. I valued peace and harmony more than doing it my way.  My brothers did not.

While I learned to surrender in the work place to authority.  When ever I could I still did it my way.

Where I failed the most, was in my own relationships.  I had not learned to compromise, say it was good enough or promote win win situations.

It took my stroke, to teach me greater surrender.  This deeper learning of surrender did finally translate into my relationships.  Learning when to surrender versus when to do it my way. Im not saying i was perfect and have mastered it.  But I was so much greatly improved it sometimes seemed so.

Strong Women Make the sME MISTAKES AS STRONG MEN

There is nothing wrong with being a strong women but it can have some consequences in your relationships.

Not making room for another in your life.

Sometime literally, like encouraging your man to throw out/get rid of his stuff because it does not match your sense of beauty.  This is a failure to accept the other person as they are.  This can translate I'm reject some of your stuff thus I'm rejecting part of you.  Men to this to, not appreciating her stuff because it is not functional? efficient? in some way not measuring up to his standards.

Wanting it to be all your way.

A variation of the first. Compromise, good enough, and win win are all examples of different ways to accomplish togetherness without driving the other away.

Micro managing rather micro goal setting.

Telling the other exactly this happens because it is way easier to tell someone to do it like you do it than to figure out what are the absolutely essential goals versus merely important goals.

Choosing Work over partner too many times.

If you are regularly choosing work over your partner then you are communicating what is most important to you.  Sure work makes life go around because of the money and thus security it provides.  And you have to work.  But if you keep making that choice over and over it cam undermine the connection between you.

These are the same mistakes strong men make.

From perfect to perfection

I copied this because during my 7-8 years of online dating I read the same thing time after time in women's profiles.  1) That women wanted chemistry, they wanted to feel something. 2) women wanted to believe romantic relationship was all easy, that the right relationship was not work.

https://blog.beirresistible.com/the-5-stages-of-a-relationship/

I copied this to preserve the wisdom while escaping the adds.  Still credit goes to.... James Bauer at https://beirresistible.com/ where there is some great wisdom for women.

I copied this because during my 7-8 years of online dating I read the same thing time after time in women's profiles.  1) That women wanted chemistry, they wanted to feel something. 2) women wanted to believe romantic relationship was all easy, that the right relationship was not work.

When experience showed chemistry is only the first part of a relationship and that all relationships eventually require work because men's and women's values and needs are different and sometime diametrically opposed.  That means exactly opposite. 

Navigating the stages past the honeymoon phase takes skills and awareness must do not take time to acquire.  None of these skills are taught in our schools.  So unless the parents learn them and model them for their children.  Children have unrealistic expectations about relationships especially romantic ones. 

-Crm

The 5 Stages of a Relationship

It happened every time.

Angelika would meet a man with potential. Someone she really, REALLY liked.

She’d feel so full of hope. She’d see signs they were meant to be.

Then she’d find out he wasn’t the man she thought he was.

He had issues he hadn’t told her about.

He was no longer as attentive as before.

Angelika realized he wasn’t so extraordinary after all. He was just a guy, like every other guy who’d let her down.

When Angelika came to me, she wanted to nip this pattern in the bud. She wanted to know how to spot an amazing man who would STAY amazing, rather than disappoint her.

I admired Angelika’s determination. I appreciated the fact that she’d taken time to reflect on her past. But the answer I gave her was one she wasn’t expecting to hear.

“What makes a man special is how you see him,” I told her. “So if you want to meet an amazing man, it’s up to you to see what’s amazing about him.”

“But I do!” she said. “I always look for the best in everybody. What I get mad at is when a guy presents himself one way and then turns out to be totally different.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “I can see how you would feel misled. But let me ask you a question. When you go out on a date with someone new, do you immediately tell him everything that’s wrong with you?”

Angelika shook her head. “Of course not!”

“Do you think men feel the same way?”

She bit her lip. “Well, probably.”

I explained that everyone—men and women alike—put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. They’re on their best behavior. They want to be liked.

It’s easy to fall in love with someone who’s trying their best to win you over. You feel liked, admired, appreciated. You feel as if this person gets you on a very deep level.

But you don’t actually know each other very well yet.

You’re in the beginning stages of intimacy, where the amount of time you’re spending together gives you the illusion of having known one another forever.

This is known as the honeymoon phase, and it’s one of the 5 stages of relationships.

Understand how relationships evolve, and you won’t be surprised when your relationship starts to shift in a new direction.

So what are the stages of a relationship?

They can go by different names, but taken together they describe the journey your relationship will take from the initial euphoria of infatuation to the grounded contentment of real love.

1. Honeymoon phase
2. Reality check
3. Power struggle
4. Reconciliation
5. Real love 

For many people, the honeymoon phase is the best part of a relationship. All of the fun with none of the work!

Angelika was getting stuck in the second stage of relationships, the reality check.

This is when the rose-colored glasses come off. Your guy feels safe with you, so he starts to show you more of his real self.

Instead of feeling misled, I told Angelika, feel encouraged. He’s letting his guard down. He’s starting to trust you. You may not like what you see, but real imperfection is better than a perfect illusion.

Even if you persevere through the reality check, you’re not home free. You have another major obstacle ahead:

The power struggle.

The power struggle strikes every couple. It can hit right away, or it can lie in wait for several years.

This is when you realize that the two of you don’t always want the same things. He wants things his way, and you want them your way.

Instead of negotiating, you battle for control of the relationship. Who will make the decisions? Who will win? Who’s in charge?

If a couple doesn’t know this stage is coming, they can split up over it. The relationship becomes a source of stress. You’re always fighting. It’s too much work.

But committed couples turn the power struggle around. They realize the enemy is their lack of relationship skills, rather than each other. They commit to finding a mutually respectful way to navigate and even honor their differences.

Their reward is reconciliation, that feeling of peace that comes when you know you can get through anything together.

Couples can go back and forth between the power struggle and reconciliation many times in the course of a relationship.

Ultimately, if they persevere, they begin to see that love is nothing like what they thought it was. It’s not a feeling. It’s a partnership. It’s something they choose, rather than something they have.

You can tell couples who’ve achieved real love by the way they see each other through rose-colored glasses.

It’s not like before. Now they know each other’s flaws. But they choose to see the best in each other, despite knowing the worst.

And that, I told Angelika, is a relationship worth enduring a few disappointments for.

Finding the living boundary between freedom and security

living between freedom and security

Women measure men by his heart.  But maybe they should be measuring men by the quality of his logical choices.  To measure him by his heart is to expect him to be like her.

Men measure women by her head.  But maybe they should be measuring women by the quality of her emotional choices. To measure her by her head is to expect her to be like him.

Women feel betrayed when men seek freedom.

Yet freedom feeds men's energy.

Men think they are unloved when women share their love with another.

Yet sharing love feeds women's energy.

Both seek freedom from their restrictions.

managing our core needs is important.

All this leads me to.....

Men's freedom that leads to abandonment does not a healthy relationship make.

Women's love sharing that leads to broken verbal promises does not a healthy relationship make.

Can we then say....

Men seek freedom from their burden of not being able to express wanderlust and adventure.

Women seek freedom from their burden of not being able to express love.

When security is placed as a more important quality than adventure men feel restricted.

When adventure is placed as a more important quality than security women feel insecure.

Be careful to not always placed such rigid rules on the boundaries between freedom and security.  

Thus I'm thinking that...

our ability to manage balance security & restriction is emotional maturity. If you can learn to find in each moment of now the ever changing and healthy boundary between freedom and security you are living an emotionally more mature and aware life.

When we maintain these ideas of relationships as fixed entities and fix rules.  They then become the traps of growth.  How do we create relationships models that are allowed to change?  How do we create relationship expectations that foster personal growth?  How do we create space for each person to change not just year to year but day to day?

by ....

1) allowing the boundaries between our needs and attractions to be discovered new daily

2) by learning to discern what needs and attractions are pulling us

3) by learning to discern what needs and attractions are healthy for us and our partner.

4) by not generalizing popular gender memes into our partnerships.

5) by educating ourselves to the landscape of relationship topics needing to be addressed. 

6-10) by involving ourselves in personal growth (6 mental/7 spiritual/8 emotional/ 9 psychological/ 10 financial).

Bonus guides

10) by standing for freewill in our partners

11) by being responsible for our own self-care

12) by balancing our own self-care with that of others.

==========Extended commentary===========

Here is an example of my own mother and father playing out the scenario above.

While my father was dedicated to mom and did everything to ensure their healthy life. Mom tried every thing she could to get dad to stop cutting down trees on the property because she was afraid something would happen to him while using the chainsaw.  This is her love imposing a restriction on his freedom. regardless of the validity of her logic she was communicating a restriction on his freedom.

There were plenty of logical justified reasons for why h should not be doing this anymore.  And there were plenty of logical justified reasons for him to continue.  But at the core, this part of a loving adventure became my father’s restriction due to my mom’s insecurity.  Dad eventually did stop but by then he only had 1-2 years left in his life.   As their son, living with them I could see both sides.  And fault neither!

Dad loved being in nature and caring for his property.  Mom was dependent on dad and never developed life skills to live without him.  These two things collided to create this dynamic of gender conflict.

I did not fault my father for ignoring mothers wishes. I could not fault my mother for worrying so.  Neither was going to change.  Mother could no more change her emotions than my father could change is need to be physical and be doing something.  This example showed me just how many different ways the boundary of freedom and security manifest as conflict between genders because we ARE different.

====feedback====

A female friend was amazed that love was not seen as an adventure for the masculine.

My reply was Love is definitely an adventure as an emotional journey.  And the feminine seems to like that while what the Masculine often desires is a physical adventure.  And the masculine does not find the emotional adventures interesting.  

======important parting thoughts======
Think about how many men like action adventure movies that feature physical danger while so many women like movies with an emotional romantic story.

I am definitely generalizing. Over generalization is a danger to all relationships.  If you can not see and relate to your parter as a unique individual first, generalizations are not going to help.  However, generalizations are helpful when we are first learning a new viewpoint and awareness.  But once you get enough experience you MUST abandon your generalizations.