Finding the living boundary between freedom and security

living between freedom and security

Women measure men by his heart.  But maybe they should be measuring men by the quality of his logical choices.  To measure him by his heart is to expect him to be like her.

Men measure women by her head.  But maybe they should be measuring women by the quality of her emotional choices. To measure her by her head is to expect her to be like him.

Women feel betrayed when men seek freedom.

Yet freedom feeds men's energy.

Men think they are unloved when women share their love with another.

Yet sharing love feeds women's energy.

Both seek freedom from their restrictions.

managing our core needs is important.

All this leads me to.....

Men's freedom that leads to abandonment does not a healthy relationship make.

Women's love sharing that leads to broken verbal promises does not a healthy relationship make.

Can we then say....

Men seek freedom from their burden of not being able to express wanderlust and adventure.

Women seek freedom from their burden of not being able to express love.

When security is placed as a more important quality than adventure men feel restricted.

When adventure is placed as a more important quality than security women feel insecure.

Be careful to not always placed such rigid rules on the boundaries between freedom and security.  

Thus I'm thinking that...

our ability to manage balance security & restriction is emotional maturity. If you can learn to find in each moment of now the ever changing and healthy boundary between freedom and security you are living an emotionally more mature and aware life.

When we maintain these ideas of relationships as fixed entities and fix rules.  They then become the traps of growth.  How do we create relationships models that are allowed to change?  How do we create relationship expectations that foster personal growth?  How do we create space for each person to change not just year to year but day to day?

by ....

1) allowing the boundaries between our needs and attractions to be discovered new daily

2) by learning to discern what needs and attractions are pulling us

3) by learning to discern what needs and attractions are healthy for us and our partner.

4) by not generalizing popular gender memes into our partnerships.

5) by educating ourselves to the landscape of relationship topics needing to be addressed. 

6-10) by involving ourselves in personal growth (6 mental/7 spiritual/8 emotional/ 9 psychological/ 10 financial).

Bonus guides

10) by standing for freewill in our partners

11) by being responsible for our own self-care

12) by balancing our own self-care with that of others.

==========Extended commentary===========

Here is an example of my own mother and father playing out the scenario above.

While my father was dedicated to mom and did everything to ensure their healthy life. Mom tried every thing she could to get dad to stop cutting down trees on the property because she was afraid something would happen to him while using the chainsaw.  This is her love imposing a restriction on his freedom. regardless of the validity of her logic she was communicating a restriction on his freedom.

There were plenty of logical justified reasons for why h should not be doing this anymore.  And there were plenty of logical justified reasons for him to continue.  But at the core, this part of a loving adventure became my father’s restriction due to my mom’s insecurity.  Dad eventually did stop but by then he only had 1-2 years left in his life.   As their son, living with them I could see both sides.  And fault neither!

Dad loved being in nature and caring for his property.  Mom was dependent on dad and never developed life skills to live without him.  These two things collided to create this dynamic of gender conflict.

I did not fault my father for ignoring mothers wishes. I could not fault my mother for worrying so.  Neither was going to change.  Mother could no more change her emotions than my father could change is need to be physical and be doing something.  This example showed me just how many different ways the boundary of freedom and security manifest as conflict between genders because we ARE different.

====feedback====

A female friend was amazed that love was not seen as an adventure for the masculine.

My reply was Love is definitely an adventure as an emotional journey.  And the feminine seems to like that while what the Masculine often desires is a physical adventure.  And the masculine does not find the emotional adventures interesting.  

======important parting thoughts======
Think about how many men like action adventure movies that feature physical danger while so many women like movies with an emotional romantic story.

I am definitely generalizing. Over generalization is a danger to all relationships.  If you can not see and relate to your parter as a unique individual first, generalizations are not going to help.  However, generalizations are helpful when we are first learning a new viewpoint and awareness.  But once you get enough experience you MUST abandon your generalizations.

Attraction Roots: BioGENETIC OR bioSPIRIT

There is a transition going on involving what governs attraction.

Much of what you read about gender attraction (bioGENETIC) buys into the belief that our prehistoric biological roots govern our attractions today.  This system of beliefs how's the man being the hunter and it says that behavior still governs what causes a man to feel like a man.  It also sees the woman as the gatherer and her behavior is also biologically coded into her genes for what makes her feel like a woman.

There's some excellent healthy & healing info that uses this bioGENETIC paradigm to celebrate men & women.   But there's also a lot of manipulative unhealthy ideas being promoted.  The old way focuses on unequal relationships and is devoid of spiritual considerations in it's core energies.  The new way focuses on bring spiritual concerns into the core and co-creating a higher vibrational platform for sharing a purpose larger than just the relationship.

The promoters of this paradigm say we therefore grew up in a world where men went out into the world and made a place for their mate.  While women stayed at home and took care of the home and children.  Some would oversimplify and say women nurture and men kill.

For a number reasons I think this paradigm and governed attraction is shifting.  But mostly I think this is shifting out in the world because I see it shifting in me.  And some of the other open-minded people I read.

What is the new paradigm that will govern the attraction?  And will completely overwrite me erase the old one?

The new paradigm (BioSPIRIT) seems to be based on a complex interaction between spiritual awareness, spiritual connection and the spiritual wholeness.  What does that mean?  As I see it the overriding principle is like attracts like instead of opposites attract.  We are experiencing a shift from chemistry to compassion.

1) spiritual awareness: what type of spiritual truths are you aware of?  What type of spiritual truths have you experienced and value?  aware of and has healed the triggers caused by past trauma?

2)  spiritual connection: this can be directly related to number one, or can be a value placed on another person because you appreciate the demonstrated connection to spirit they have.

3) spiritual wholeness: balanced integration of your inner masculine and feminine energies, respond in most situations with a balanced appropriate reaction instead of one out of the emotional triggers from your past relationships with the masculine feminine.

The new paradigm is based on spirituality.  And is centered in the heart instead of the genes.  Compassion becomes the centerpiece of an intimate relationship not magnetism. No longer is oneness governed by the underlying energies push/pull magnetics.   Instead intimacy begins to be about inclusion, integration and emptiness.

Your loving kindness is driving him away

Let's start with examples.

I'm in the kitchen, My friend Ruth and I are rustling up something to eat.  I leave both sauce pans on the stove with the handles sticking out where they can be bumped.  Ruth gives me a warning about the handles sticking out.  She means it as a care taking response. I take it as a interference, as if what I'm doing is not good enough.  Ok, Here I was not actually aware of the potential problem but with my physical handicap neither was I interested in the extra effort required to to set myself up to turn the pan handles.

I'm at a group meditation, I start closing a door by grabbing the back end where the hinges are and twisting.  A nearby lady, immediately jumps in and tells me to be careful I'll smash my fingers.  This is meant as a caretaking response.  In me, sets off a trigger, I respond forcefully.  Please stop trying to mother me.  With my physical handicap I was saving a few steps and consciously aware of what I was doing.

I'm at home, I'm replacing a shade with a blanket to see if it blocks out the sun better.  All my mom sees is me taking down the shade and she tells me if I leave the shade down that room will get hotter.  This is probably genuine caretaker concern. But I notice that it is her impatience that causes her to inject her concerns into the process before she understands the whole process.

And then I noticed this is what's common on all three experiences.  A projection of fears of what might happen causes each of these three women to engage me without first understanding what I'm doing I am doing, or what I am doing it, or waiting patiently to see what will happen.

In all three cases I end up feeling, like they think I'm incompetent and still a child that needs monitoring. Worse is the fact in all three cases I do not feel a sense of connection in fact what I feel is the opposite disconnection.  In each case I feel like I want to get farther away from the other person.

As I step back from these experiences I wonder what's the cause of my responses.  I wonder if my mother's inability to let me go and be a grown-up has set a pattern of reaction that I now carry forward to interpreting the responses of all women.

I remember all the times watching mothers with children on the playground.  They hover and call out constant warnings to the children to be careful about this and careful about that.  I compare that to the men on the playground who say nothing but are physically present and will engage as soon as something does happen.  Women seem unwilling to let any injury come to pass.  The men seem to see injury as something normal not something to prevent.  I see what I considered to be inpatients in the mothers.

From my point of view, I see the mothers as people who don't wait to see if the child is actually capable of doing it by themselves.

I see this response as a mother's inability to let go of her child's old way of being.  As if she constantly sees the limited abilities that her child had yesterday.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and create for her a new perspective where instead she would imagine all the confident new abilities her child was learning to be successful at.

Sure as I look at the dad's, (including me) many of them were too hands off and too un-observant to help their children avoid the biggest risks and worse injuries.  They're almost, devil may care attitudes were an opposite extreme got also seems unhealthy to child-rearing.  These fathers seem to be too disengaged, too uninvolved, too unattached to be an appropriate playground presence.

Is the feminine so preoccupied by safety and security that she is overly protective of everybody else's safety and security?  Is the masculine so preoccupied with freedom and free will that he is overly protective of everyone else's freedom and free will?

Both sides of this equation have a purpose and useful place in child-rearing and our culture at large.

I'm becoming more aware of my own preoccupation with freedom and free will.  And I see that I could nurture more of an awareness for safety and security.

I have tried to change my deep ingrained respond to the Feminine's attempts to caretake.  I have not had much luck care.  I have had much better luck restraining my own attempts make free will and freedom an important issue the others need to learn.

Admission, my mother was not good at letting go,.... not good at letting her 4 boys grow up and be independent from her.  In fact, the last example with my mom is this week (3-24-2017) she is 90 and I'm 55, so neither of us is "growing" out of it.  If yours was you may not have this issue like I do.

Looking inside is your path to spiritual development.  If what I found in me assists you in seeing yourself more clearly, Great.  If not.  Be well, Be happy and make new friends.

 

Love Me

We say we want someone to love us as we are but . . .
really we want to to accept us as we are and love us for what we will be tomorrow.

The Conscious Man

These are guidelines nothing more than pointing in a direction.

Taking his reading as a perfect reflection of every conscious man is absolutely a corruption of my INTENT.

There are as many variations as there are men.

The intent is to give women some measure of the opposite partner evolution. When considering any type of partnership!

It alls boils down to this....

The conscious man respects women, loves women,admires women. And craves that respect in return.

All the rest is bullshit and white noise. If his actions do not respect you he is not a conscious man.

There are 3 catches here:

1. respect is defined by what his masculinity thinks is respect not what your femininity thinks is respect.
2. every man defines respect differently.
3. no conscious man is respectful 100% of the time.

Mature Masculine Gender Respect
Can bask peacefully in admiration of his attraction energy for her without needing anything more.

In detail what this mean is he can be physically sexually attracted to you and will enjoy basking in that energy of attraction without needing release, reciprocal action or acknowledgement.  In fact you may never know because it looks from the outside as if he is unchanged unaffected by you.

It does not mean he will support you verbally like your girlfriends do.
It does not mean he will listen to you like your girlfriends do.
It does not mean he will pay attention to you like your girlfriends do.
It does not mean he will provide for you like you want him to.
It does not mean he will go dancing with you.
It does not mean he will like talking anymore than he used to.
It does not mean he will analyze your relationship like you do.
It does not mean he will be as aware of you as you are of him.
It does not mean he will he won't ignore you at times.
It does not mean he will he won't go silent and withdrawal into a cave or silence.
It does not mean he will he will give up being an efficiency expert.
He is not feminine energy.  He is not you.
He will honor you with his presence.
He will respect your ability to follow, flow and create beauty.
He will give you his heart and never question his decision.
He will die for you.
He will in times of crises come to your aid.
He will push you towards being more conscious.
He will encourage your healthy boundaries.
He will ask you to at times be silent.
He will get frustrated with your stories.
He will not understand your, at times, lack of direction.
He will not get why you thrive on beauty.
He will encourage you to evolve consciously. But not push you.
He will challenge you to be aware of what you are doing, thinking, saying, being.
He will hold a space for you to be you while all the time noticing who you are (and are not).
He will know you better than you know yourself.
If you ask his advice it may be too blunt but it will come from deep inside his heart.

If you "need" emotional excitement this guy is not for you he value harmony to highly to go there.

A conscious man has safe boundry's about permission and consent.  He will not take your surrender but given the permission and consent will ravish you.

I need to clarify how I see permission and consent.  This is not the literal ask and get a verbal answer. I se this as an inquiry into what she wants/likes/desires and then offering a SAFE place for that experience to happen.  The flip here is it is Not about you determining what to ask permission for, BUT instead inquiring into what she want permission for and if feeling safe will give her consent for. Since safety is big part. Your/my job is to be completely OK at all times at anything being a "no" from her.  There is no safe place to say "yes" to you until she knows you will act on her "no", immediately without question.

The conscious man does not pursue women without an invitation.  He will not waste his energy.  He demands being met half way, well at least part way.  If you do not use your words to tell him his invitations are welcome he might not pursue, in fact he might miss your nonverbal HINTS.  His consciousness desires a conscious verbal invitation from you.  Just like your intuitive subtle body reading capacity wants him to be able to read your HINTS.

Both sides want to be meet and seen/valued in their natural habitat.  Yes he needs to learn to read you just as you need to learn to use your words with him.  Yes, it can be exhausting for both of you to operate outside of your natural way of being.  You only have to do this if you want a relationship together.

You do NOT always have to operate inside of the other person's habitat of communication.  That would be too hard.  But you do need to be aware of the gap and have the tools to address it.  Because the gap does not go away over time it only comes up to get resolved until you become natural at identifying it an resolving it in real time.

As an evolved woman your greatest challenge with a conscious man maybe how you handle your ever present desire to have him improve your environment for you.  Unless you distinguish the ability to discern the critical from the merely important he will feel your requests as a never ending to do list that never makes you satisfied.  In the end he gives up, realizing nothing makes you happy permanently. . . .so why try.  Unless the emotional energy he gets back is your happiness for those tasks he did he will give up.   There are other currencies besides a women's happiness that some men need.  Read the 5 love languages and give your man the quiz to understand what currency your man values in addition to your happiness.

He will never have as much freedom as he wants to do nothing all the time and you will never be filled with as much love as you want all the time.

He must deal with his constant desire to be done and you must deal with your constant desire to be filled with more.

The conscious man is aware not sensitive.  He notices more, he understands more and he allows for more of you to be you while not being needy, childish or demanding.

Yes being aware is more sensitive but it is not the I'm to sensitive and I need more.  It is not the I'm fragile sensitive.  It is the I'm sensitive to my environment, to my partner, to energy to the dynamics of what is happening now.  It is the martial arts (both hard and soft) sensitivity.  It is not the fragile ego type but the I notice what is going on with you type.

Sensitive ,.... not as more emotional but as allowing,... able to accept and appreciate and honor others where they are.

Will try to meet each individual where they are.

Will resist telling you what to do, believing that your doing is the learning you need most.

Does not believe he knows what is best for you and believes thinking so is a matter of hubris to be avoided. But will make the mistake of believing his knows.

What you believe, he believes is personal, not to be infringed upon by force or persuasion.  As is also what he believes personal and expects the same freedoms in reverse.

Can make a women feel feminine, loved, secure and appreciated even though he is not sexually attracted and maybe even inspite of being sexually attracted!

Knows how to lead AND knows how to follow.

If you have his love he will lay down his life for you.  He will insert himself doing what he does best trying to make things better for you.  He will not do what you think is best but only what he does best.

His love is not to answer your every whim. When you use him for every small thing He resents you because he knows there is no hero in those small things.  He wants to be your hero not your man-servant. He wants to be on a mission worthy of his love.  Sorry, but re-arranging you furniture yet again does not qualify as a mission to him.  But sometimes it might if it is his idea.  I mean one he thinks is going to solve a problem he sees.

THE PATH

Events will conspire to bring your consciousness to where ever it is need next and for how long it is needed.

Injury to hand hip both falling while on bikes. Part of healing my body.

Rule of 3 to avoid the 2x4 of life.

Synchronistic events will repeat that can guide you to where you are suppose to be next.  They are hints you can voluntarily follow and if you don't you risk some major event causing more disruption to your life.  PEMF for sleep, PEMF Brian, PEMF Larisa.

At first I was doing out of the habit of doing. My programming.
Next  I was doing out of my need to feel valuable to myself.
Next  I was doing out of my need to feel valuable to others.
Next, I was doing out of it was health balance to resting (being).
Eventually, I was doing out of my wanting to contribute.
Eventually, I was doing for all the reasons above.

success, happiness and the conscious man (needs story example)

The conscious man is aware of so much more than the unconscious man.  Some call this mindfulness, other call this being present, a popular label is being in the now.  Internal awareness like emotions physical sensation, intent and motivations,. . . . external awareness like environment, people's reactions, group dynamics,.......

How does the conscious human differ from the unaware human when it comes to happiness and success?

It is in his/her ability to embrace every moment more deeply. (needs story)

Like relationship beginnings,,,...... both people more deeply look into, pay more attention to, attend more closely to.... each other.

This more complete absorption into every moment, event, person is the key to the conscious humans happiness.  This ability to become totally absorbed into what ever he/she puts their attention on is the secret to their success.

While the less aware human complain about something the more aware gets busy and curious about what is happening.  The total attention allows seeing patterns, connection and  having insights that alters his/her interactions to a positive effect.

While the less aware human give up, blames others and finds less to do the more aware gets interested in learning, growing, experimenting.  The 110% presence creates opportunity, fosters new relationships and alters perspective with new information so he/she can try again.

Unconscious expectations equal unhappiness and frustration.  The conscious human has worked diligently too remove, notice, become aware of the expectations created by him/herself.  When things do not go optimally the first thing they do is reflect and assess themselves for what expectations they created.  They take responsibility and take steps to clean up any residual fallout their unconscious action built on unconscious expectation created.

conscious is grateful for every new awareness and often seeks out more.
while the less conscious seems to avoid any new thought or points of view.