Internal? External?

 When you focus on external results as happiness.  Result govern your happiness.

 When you focus on internal growth results as happiness.  Every experience becomes a seed for growth.

Friend online dating worthless

I had this friend who was giving online dating a try.  I thought the practice of meeting new men would help her learn more discernment when evaluating men.  Several years later (3-5) she mentioned the only good thing that came out of it was her friendship with me.  Yeah we met through online dating but never dated.  In text and emails we discussed what we both wanted and I admitted due to my stroke I could not offer her the financial support she looking for.

My experience was different.  Every time I texted, or other engaged with a potential date I observed myself and my OWN reactions.  By doing this I saw what needed to be improved in myself and set about doing so.  Every time I went on an actual date or first time meeting my mental thinking was recorded observed and log for a lessons learned type of post dissection.  Even better was my behavior.  When I felt I feel short of my own expectations,  I sought to see how I might use that as practice to improve the next time.

For me, online dating not measured by results as much as that which was learned that made me ready for real all of life.  And importantly making me ready for when I might run into that special someone I could make a life with.

Thus my time was never wasted.  I was often disappointed that I was not found ready for partnership.  But I never quit seeking self improvement through the practice of all relationships.   

You see I was not apply this rigorous self analysis to dating but to all relationships and interactions.  In no time I amassed quite list of things I needed to practice the next time I left the house.  By practicing something every time I went out.  Soon I had a base of more mature self confident ways of showing up in life.

I was focused on the internal and found lots of things I could improve. She was focused on the external results and missed all the opportunities to grow.  So yes, by her standards, online dating was a waste of time.  By my standards, online dating was a rich pool of free learning.

The merging of both.  Neither should reign supreme over the other.

Why? 

Because result do count.  Results are a type of feedback.  But one has to be careful about letting results determine your course of action and mental attitude.  If you let results make you quit you loose.  Internal lessons learned focus can also be a trap of this never ending pool of looking for perfection or improvements.  Knowing when to stop and try again later is important.  Knowing when to surrender and accept this is not going to change right now is a huge part of maturity.

Finding a balance between these 2 is, I think, the goal of my experiences.  Finding when one serves the moment the best.  Knowing what needs serving is a complex life skill.  Too complex for this blog.

 

Healing, yourself first as proxy for healing the world

 Healing your self first seems selfish, maybe even egotistical.

But it is a spiritual principle of the highest nature from some of the highest dimensions.

Gandi summed it up nicely as:....,  BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Now in more detail here's an on ground look.

When you see or feel a non-loving emotion from interactions with the world.  This is an alert for healing attention on it and yourself.  An alarm clock of sorts.

How to heal is a different set of posts.

Once healed in you that healing is accessible by others who are working to raise/grow their own consciousness.  It is not automatically used or available to everyone for there is free will.  They have to seek and accept.  By healing yourself you make the energy of that healing more present in the consciousness of your world.  Every person that heals that same non-loving emotion creates greater energy for other to access it.  It is made more widely available.  More accessible.

Thus by serving yourself you are serving others.  So it is not a service to self act.  It is not if negative polarity if your intent is to better your world.   However if you intent is to horde all healings and the results of them for just you and to garner power over others then you are on the negative path.

If you then help others heal the same the ripples go even further.

The evolved female

Some think they want to be wined and dined 

Some think they want to be a princess

Some think they want chemistry, excitement, even drama.

None of these are evolved women.

None these are what you want if you are an evolved man.

The evolve female is ok with the direct approach,  but you better be ok with a direct answer.

She is able to see positive aspects to all people and events.

She seeks personal growth not growth of things.

She seeks balance not polarity.

Most women that give you advice on what women want have not done the work to know what they want.

The evolved female no longer wants what her younger self wanted.

Balances responsibility with spontaneity

If she has not broken out of her past programming she is likely not evolved.

The evolve female decides what is healthy for her and does the best to keep it.

It all boils down to this....

All the dating gurus and advice that promises control, power over others, or ways you can manipulate your way into the opposite sexes life is worthless if you are following the way of the positive polarity of serving others.   However, if you are into self serving and increasing your negative polarity then these methods are for you.

Wanting control is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Manipulation is clear self serving and for those who have little to no confidence in their own worth.

Power same as control.......is for those who feel as if they do not have it but want it.

Those who want an great match for them are ok with rejection because they know it brings them one step closer to their goal.  Each one that does not work out is recognition of what does not work.

Be careful of those selling techniques.  There are many promises the prey on your temporal desires.

When your goal is to grow rather than get something.  Then every experience becomes opportunity to learn about your self.

If the dating gurus are talking about possession or being possessed this is the path of the negative polarity (service to self).  The opposite path is the one of guaranteeing free will.

surrender

There is a hidden arch of spiritual learning that has been consistent in my life.

The learning of surrender.
co-learning of valuing being a well as doing

My childhood was blessed with an extremely smart and controlling father. (At least 4 college degrees and enough academic credits for 4 more,... combined with growing up during the depression)  I'm not complaining but explaining how there was no choice for me as a child but to surrender to the brilliance of my father.  He was right.  Following him lead to good outcomes for the family.

My elder brothers did not surrender and it led to great disharmony.  Something I was unwilling to do. I valued peace and harmony more than doing it my way.  My brothers did not.

While I learned to surrender in the work place to authority.  When ever I could I still did it my way.

Where I failed the most, was in my own relationships.  I had not learned to compromise, say it was good enough or promote win win situations.

It took my stroke, to teach me greater surrender.  This deeper learning of surrender did finally translate into my relationships.  Learning when to surrender versus when to do it my way. Im not saying i was perfect and have mastered it.  But I was so much greatly improved it sometimes seemed so.

Strong Women Make the sME MISTAKES AS STRONG MEN

There is nothing wrong with being a strong women but it can have some consequences in your relationships.

Not making room for another in your life.

Sometime literally, like encouraging your man to throw out/get rid of his stuff because it does not match your sense of beauty.  This is a failure to accept the other person as they are.  This can translate I'm reject some of your stuff thus I'm rejecting part of you.  Men to this to, not appreciating her stuff because it is not functional? efficient? in some way not measuring up to his standards.

Wanting it to be all your way.

A variation of the first. Compromise, good enough, and win win are all examples of different ways to accomplish togetherness without driving the other away.

Micro managing rather micro goal setting.

Telling the other exactly this happens because it is way easier to tell someone to do it like you do it than to figure out what are the absolutely essential goals versus merely important goals.

Choosing Work over partner too many times.

If you are regularly choosing work over your partner then you are communicating what is most important to you.  Sure work makes life go around because of the money and thus security it provides.  And you have to work.  But if you keep making that choice over and over it cam undermine the connection between you.

These are the same mistakes strong men make.

From perfect to perfection

I copied this because during my 7-8 years of online dating I read the same thing time after time in women's profiles.  1) That women wanted chemistry, they wanted to feel something. 2) women wanted to believe romantic relationship was all easy, that the right relationship was not work.

https://blog.beirresistible.com/the-5-stages-of-a-relationship/

I copied this to preserve the wisdom while escaping the adds.  Still credit goes to.... James Bauer at https://beirresistible.com/ where there is some great wisdom for women.

I copied this because during my 7-8 years of online dating I read the same thing time after time in women's profiles.  1) That women wanted chemistry, they wanted to feel something. 2) women wanted to believe romantic relationship was all easy, that the right relationship was not work.

When experience showed chemistry is only the first part of a relationship and that all relationships eventually require work because men's and women's values and needs are different and sometime diametrically opposed.  That means exactly opposite. 

Navigating the stages past the honeymoon phase takes skills and awareness must do not take time to acquire.  None of these skills are taught in our schools.  So unless the parents learn them and model them for their children.  Children have unrealistic expectations about relationships especially romantic ones. 

-Crm

The 5 Stages of a Relationship

It happened every time.

Angelika would meet a man with potential. Someone she really, REALLY liked.

She’d feel so full of hope. She’d see signs they were meant to be.

Then she’d find out he wasn’t the man she thought he was.

He had issues he hadn’t told her about.

He was no longer as attentive as before.

Angelika realized he wasn’t so extraordinary after all. He was just a guy, like every other guy who’d let her down.

When Angelika came to me, she wanted to nip this pattern in the bud. She wanted to know how to spot an amazing man who would STAY amazing, rather than disappoint her.

I admired Angelika’s determination. I appreciated the fact that she’d taken time to reflect on her past. But the answer I gave her was one she wasn’t expecting to hear.

“What makes a man special is how you see him,” I told her. “So if you want to meet an amazing man, it’s up to you to see what’s amazing about him.”

“But I do!” she said. “I always look for the best in everybody. What I get mad at is when a guy presents himself one way and then turns out to be totally different.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “I can see how you would feel misled. But let me ask you a question. When you go out on a date with someone new, do you immediately tell him everything that’s wrong with you?”

Angelika shook her head. “Of course not!”

“Do you think men feel the same way?”

She bit her lip. “Well, probably.”

I explained that everyone—men and women alike—put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. They’re on their best behavior. They want to be liked.

It’s easy to fall in love with someone who’s trying their best to win you over. You feel liked, admired, appreciated. You feel as if this person gets you on a very deep level.

But you don’t actually know each other very well yet.

You’re in the beginning stages of intimacy, where the amount of time you’re spending together gives you the illusion of having known one another forever.

This is known as the honeymoon phase, and it’s one of the 5 stages of relationships.

Understand how relationships evolve, and you won’t be surprised when your relationship starts to shift in a new direction.

So what are the stages of a relationship?

They can go by different names, but taken together they describe the journey your relationship will take from the initial euphoria of infatuation to the grounded contentment of real love.

1. Honeymoon phase
2. Reality check
3. Power struggle
4. Reconciliation
5. Real love 

For many people, the honeymoon phase is the best part of a relationship. All of the fun with none of the work!

Angelika was getting stuck in the second stage of relationships, the reality check.

This is when the rose-colored glasses come off. Your guy feels safe with you, so he starts to show you more of his real self.

Instead of feeling misled, I told Angelika, feel encouraged. He’s letting his guard down. He’s starting to trust you. You may not like what you see, but real imperfection is better than a perfect illusion.

Even if you persevere through the reality check, you’re not home free. You have another major obstacle ahead:

The power struggle.

The power struggle strikes every couple. It can hit right away, or it can lie in wait for several years.

This is when you realize that the two of you don’t always want the same things. He wants things his way, and you want them your way.

Instead of negotiating, you battle for control of the relationship. Who will make the decisions? Who will win? Who’s in charge?

If a couple doesn’t know this stage is coming, they can split up over it. The relationship becomes a source of stress. You’re always fighting. It’s too much work.

But committed couples turn the power struggle around. They realize the enemy is their lack of relationship skills, rather than each other. They commit to finding a mutually respectful way to navigate and even honor their differences.

Their reward is reconciliation, that feeling of peace that comes when you know you can get through anything together.

Couples can go back and forth between the power struggle and reconciliation many times in the course of a relationship.

Ultimately, if they persevere, they begin to see that love is nothing like what they thought it was. It’s not a feeling. It’s a partnership. It’s something they choose, rather than something they have.

You can tell couples who’ve achieved real love by the way they see each other through rose-colored glasses.

It’s not like before. Now they know each other’s flaws. But they choose to see the best in each other, despite knowing the worst.

And that, I told Angelika, is a relationship worth enduring a few disappointments for.